The day

Today is my birthday. I feel the same as any other day. No different. I'm still in the same sad mood and feeling more alone than ever. My friends around me and it's like it doesn't matter even. I love them for being here and wanting to celebrate but really all I want to do is forget that today is suppost to be important to me. I don't want to celebrate, nothing. Birthday's are for getting older and more mature, i've skipped so many levels in my life that I feel like I'm alreayd thirty. Ironic though my friend gave me a birthday card says "Happy 50th", kinda what I'm feeling fifty and alone. Sometimes I am so mature for my age I hate it, I just want to go out there and screw up, and not worry if it could have serious consenquences, but no! That's not how I am and I'll never be like that.

I woke up this morning on my couch, somehow I went from my cozy bed to my smelly hard couch. Don't even remember going there. Well I woke up to Cracknugget (my cat) meowing in my face. I guess he to was wishing me a Happy Birthday. Another year gone by, no changes, same people, same everything. My apparence hasn't even changed much, just my hair length. I hope for a bit of change everyday, but it's the same routine everyday. I wake up get dressed take the bus to school, go to my locker, talk to carla, look at andrew ( same sad feeling) then go to my classes. Either go to the library or home to then go to work and then sleep. There might be little changes here and there, but not significant ones to make me feel any different.

One huge change that weakend every bone in my body was my breakup. But I don't want depressing change. I want happy change. But I just can't seem to find any.

I am trying so hard to not think about everything that sucks and just think about the good stuff, but the bad seems to over rule my good right now. I know that eventually things will get better like i've said before, but now I feel helpless and unhappy.

I found out I have a C- in French AP right now. Which sucks because I am trying I just suck at verb forming. English I have no idea cause she hasn't updated anything on SnapGrades. Along with Math he hasn't updated anything either. I wish they would so that I can see what I'm doing wrong and fix it.

Today I have work but I'm trying to get my sister to Babysit for me instead cause my friends want to hang out for a bit. Maybe I'll just hang out with them until it's time for me to leave, maybe that's all they need with me 2 hours. I'm not that exciting. Oh darn I have to talk to my house conseler to get a pass for the college thing tomorrow. I have to miss my psychology class for it. Which isn't that hard to make up for. Speaking of makeup I have to makeup a quiz for her. But I'm totally unprepared for it, so I have to study then take it.

My blogs are really long. I can't help it if I think way too much for my own good. My brain is alway making think of things that are so stupid. Like when I see something I have to analyze everything about it before I can move on from that one topic. I also I'm writing a lot cause I'm trying to kill time before my next class. I have Psychology next.

I have to pick up my senior pictures today that I took at the studio, pay for my senior hoodie, and then pay for a million other things. Like my braces on Friday and my yearbook. My yearbook is only $50 and my braces are $500 yeah not that cheap. My dad gave me $120 for my birthday and my Gma gave me $20, plus I get payed on Friday more$60 but subtract everything I got with everything I need to pay and I still owe money somewhere.

So Ms.Craven a conseler asked me to her office today to talk to me about Summer Search. She wanted to know why I havn't called anymore, I simply told her that I was high offended that they sucked ass when something happened to my family in the summer and didn't care much about it and wanted me to be selfish and think only about myself. So she understood why I didn't want to be a part of the orginazation anymore, however she told me that I should call in and atleast tell them that I quit. You know cause not calling wasn't a huge hint. I just don't want to have to deal with them anymore on top of having to deal with everything in my life.

This weekend I'm suppost to go see Lesley college, they called my phone asking me if I could go see their school. It's an girls school, which is a problem, since me and girls don't get along as well as me and guys. Girls are bitchy to be quiet frank. I am so I can relate. :-) Plus I think it's far away from the city and I want to stay in the city. Tomorrow I'm going to be getting information on Amherst and that's also far away but it's a good school so atleast if I got in, I'd know I was good enough. And you never know maybe I'll change my mind and want to live in a dorm. It's jus that when I want to NMH I wanted to kill myself from all the depression and lonleiness. Everyone wants to go live in a dorm, but trust me it's not all pies and cakes. It's difficult and very lonley. Take Peggy she's at Drexel right now and she's really alone, she likes it there and everything but she wishes that everyone who knew her and loved her was at her side. Plus Peggy is stronger than me. I love being around people I know and love, I'd probably have like a heart attack away from here. I sound stupid and sur real since everyone wants to nove away. I just don't. I love it here.

Always thinking

On a daily basis i think about just about a million things that go on around me. For instance today i thought about how stupid my father was for getting me a mouse when i own a cat. Yes my cat wanted to bit the living hell out of that mouse the instant he saw it. Quiet an adventurous morning i presume. As soon as i get to school my thigh high socks start rolling down my legs and it's getting really annoying.
Today is tuesday and the week has just begun. Last thursday i went to Drexel University to first drop of Peggy Ou there and then check out the campus for myself. It was a good campus the city was wicked nice, reminded me a lot of Boston, except it's more spread out. We returned home on Friday and from there i went over Carla's, did our usual Friday night (sit around watch videos and be bored). Saturday and Sunday weren't much different, i couldn't get any homework really done because i couldn't find anyone from any of my classes. English i did wrong and then re did last night, math i finished at the library which was three nights of homework, but it helped me study since i have a quiz today. I feel like i've gotten in way over my head with school. I'm not a good essay writter actually i completely suck. I have never written anything good my whole life, and i don't think i'm going to start now. I am trying though. Math has been okay, upset i couldn't change it to CP since i already have so much homework for both my other AP classes. Unlike some people i really don't mind having CP class in my Sceduale becaue it won't ruin my life and i'm not stupid for it. I choose to be at a lower level because unlike other Honors students i don't just cram everything in my brain take a test and forget about it the next week. But that's just how i am it's different for everyone.
At home everything's the same, same empty house but noisy as ever. My brother no longer lives with us but it's like he's always there so it made no difference. My father is annoying as always, always being the victim in the story. My mother well she's trying her best to get us an APT but she's out of a job and her and jobs don't mix well. My sister is unemployed and not college (not by choice, too expensive) She's searching for another job since everything so far that she has had sucked really badly. She even got a job that she only made less than a doller for, not good! People always try and rip kids off especially if you work in a place of the same culture as you. Me i'm brasilian and sometimes i'm embarssed to be. I'm not your typical go out with every guy girl like most brasilian girls are described as being. I came to America when i was three years old, Brasil isn't my home anymore. I tend to babble a lot i've noticed. I also can't keep my ideas in one place. I'm always on a rant. I think i rant in my essays, probably why their so bad. Their unfoucused. Like i know all the bad things and stuff i do wrong with them, i just never know how to fix them. Luana (sister) she's a great writter, very centered. If only i thought like her.
So this year i have no purpose. I feel like i'm not going to be anything in life. I feel stuck and like ive dug myself deeper and deeper into this whole. I don't want to do much in college, sad? I really don't have a carrer choice picked out. This year i've thought of severl but all of them seem to have a glitch with them. Last week i thought maybe i should do photography. But problem with that is its a chance business, either you make it or you don't. I wanted to be a chef but i've lost the love for food, i don't even like eating it anymore, it's not a joyous moment. I thought once I could be a book writer, like the people who write journals as stories, however that dream came crashing down quickly. As of today i'm thinking of doing International Relations because ive picked up Japanese and German, i also learn French in School (my other AP class). I speak fluent English and Portuguesse already, and i really hope to become fluent in French and then be able to speak to get by in German and Japanese. I've bought several books and practice everyday. But somehow i feel like i'm going to get bored wicked quick. I'm just trying to find my place and purpose in the world. Cliche? Yeah i bet but it's how i'm feeling and there's nothing to change it.
This week my friend invited me to go to College Fest hopefully it will give me some insight on maybe where to attend for next year. I don't want to leave the greater Boston area, i like the locals. Plus i've been outside of state and nothings like it here. I'd miss MA too much. Hopefully i can find some college that is close to a T and that i don't have to live on campus for. I want to be able to live on my own or with my best friend (whom is desperate to leave).
Bell...gotta run

Whoot

Whoot blog posting...still dont know how to invite people or how to work anything....yay for me